Musical identity, the sky, and clouds
I invite you to contemplate the following: I am perfect, loved and complete. Say it in your mind paying attention to what happens when you say it. Did you notice voices appearing automatically contradicting this message? Focus on those voices. Don't they have an almost robotic character or show as fast as a a body reflex? Now I would like to ask you if you noticed that you noticed those robotic voices. Please try again. Repeat the sentence in your mind and this time see if you notice that you are noticing. A first level of perception is to realize that answers come to your mind when you think on the sentence. A second level of awareness is to be aware that you are aware that you are thinking of answers to the sentence. See if you are aware of these two levels of perception. Although the exercise seems somewhat strange, we will see that it is quite relevant to the development of a healthy musical identity over time.
Let's analyze the following statements:
- On average, Lima is warmer than Helsinki.
- Charles is a better pianist than me.
Also, another important difference between the two statements is that the first is based on an objective criterion and the second on an opinion. If I look at the temperatures throughout the year in Lima and Helsinki, take an average and compare them, I will see that Lima is a warmer city. Meanwhile, the second statement is not based on objective criteria, but rather on context: Charles may have started practicing at an earlier age than me, his family may have had economical means to nurture his musical education that I did not, maybe I heard him play a piece that he has practiced for many months, without knowing the effort it cost him and I'm judging the “final” result. The curious thing about our mind is that it does not distinguish between objective and contextual criteria when establishing a network.
The mind creates networks (such as fishing nets or spiderwebs) in which the relationships between elements are established. As long as the “Charles is a better pianist than me” network exists, I will continue to react with frustration and anxiety when I think of or meet him. Furthermore, every time I activate the “Charles is a better pianist than me” network, it will be reinforced, more prominent and present in our minds.
The consolidation of a relationship also leads to its generalization. That is to say, when I least expect it, the network will generalize from “Charles is a better pianist than me” to “there are many better pianists than me” and implicitly “I am a very bad pianist”. This will also make my response of frustration and anxiety generalize beyond Charles. What's more, the simple fact of seeing, remembering, playing or hearing a piano could activate the network of “I'm a bad pianist”, because “piano” is connected to “Charles is better than me” or “everyone is better than me”. . And all this because we listened to Charles play without knowing what the context was around his impressive performance!
When we least expect it, “I'm a bad pianist” has become a story of who I am, and believing in this story can lead to more problems. Suppose that, because I am a bad pianist, I am not comfortable playing in public and I am sure that my performance will not be good. What would happen if I had a little alcohol to feel more relaxed? It may help in the short term, but in the long run it can interfere with my musical performance, if not create a dependency. What if I stop searching for opportunities to play in public because I know I'm a bad pianist? Again, maybe it protects me from feeling uncomfortable, but it limits my chances of developing my career. That is, the story "I'm a bad pianist" dominates my mind and dictates my behavior. How to free ourselves from this story?
This is where I return to the initial exercise of this text. I mentioned that there are two levels of perception: the perception of automatic voices and the perception that I am aware of those automatic voices. In our musical example, the first level of perception is realizing that I think "I'm a bad pianist"; while the second level of perception is that I am realizing that I am having the “I am a bad pianist” thought.
By developing a separation between the stories my mind tells me (the clouds in the sky) and myself as a context (I am the sky) in which these stories appear, I can have more freedom in how I respond to them. I can be more compassionate and perhaps identify different contextual variables that made me interpret Charles' execution as superior. I could understand that he started at a younger age with more resources, that he practiced the piece he played for months, that it turned out to be a piece that he especially enjoyed playing, that I was a new student at the conservatory, etc.
Developing a sense of musical identity is functional because it allows us to adapt to a highly competitive profession. Let's think of the many musicians who have changed their musical styles to adapt to new audiences, of the many others who decided to explore other professional activities in addition to (or limiting to) being a soloist. Let's think about how having a more flexible musical identity can help us improve in the face of criticism and observation. Instead of choosing not to listen to critics, we can create a space and see what value we can get from our critics, of course, without ceasing to be an experience that can generate unpleasant sensations.
The mind works by creating networks of relationships. Sometimes these networks can lead to rigid conceptions of who we are. Having a flexible self, where my musical identity is one more element, will allow us to adapt more easily to different challenges in the musical profession. It will also provide us with a greater perspective to identify how our environment influences our present and adjust our behavior according to these conditions.
If you want to know more about my work and my consulting services for musicians experiencing anxiety, I invite you to check out my website: alvarochang.com.
References
Juncos, D. G. & de Paiva e Pona, E. (2022). ACT for musicians: A guide for using Acceptance and Commitment Training to enhance performance, overcome performance anxiety, and improve well-being. Universal Publishers.
Praxis (2023). ACT Immersion: An introduction to ACT as a process-based therapy [online course]. Retrieved from https://act.courses/signup/
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