A good outcome - Music performance anxiety

Beethoven's 6th piano sonata (op. 10 no. 2) makes part of the demanding Op. 10 triptych. Following months of practice and having memorised it, my due performance at Sibelius Academy approached. Since one week before, I noticed my old-friend anxiety was back. As part of my preparation, I recorded myself playing in two conditions: without anyone observing me, and during an online recital for friends and colleagues. I could have played with my score, but I decided not to do so and challenge me further. During the online recital, I had a memory lapse during the recapitulation of the third movement. A new problem, certainly. Here you can observe what happened to me while playing life:

Naturally, this bothered me, specially since it is such a climatic section in the sonata (it is the first time in the movement that Beethoven indicates a fortissimo, ff). I swore and laughed mentally of the accident. 

I learned to things from this experience. First, when I marked the pulse with my foot in this problematic section, I suddenly solved it. I decided that during my next live recital I would make use of this strategy a few bars before the recapitulation. I would not mind about someone thinking "Oh, he is marking with the foot!". Second, I proved myself that I am capable of playing the piece by heart. The music was consolidated in my memory. Regardless, I decided to play it with the score. If having the score in front of me would help me to worry less about forgetting and focus more on the music, why not using it? 

The day of the recital, I switched off my alarm and slept late. I did not work either. I did not cook and instead had a brunch with a friend. That evening, I walked from home to the Academy together with my flatmate who happened to be playing too. I shared with her my insecurities and anxiety. We laughed. The result of a thorough preparation and relaxing was a flowing experience during the recital. I was anxious, but it was facilitating, not debilitating. Here is a brief clip of the recital. Luckily, my sister captured some moments with her camera. 

I think having a pre-performance routine is important and I keep exploring what works well for me. However, it is good to acknowledge that, even though we can influence its results, unforeseeable things can happen. Here I raise some questions for you: 

• Think back to those recitals or concerts that you were satisfied with. What process did you follow to influence its final outcome? 

• Now think back to those that did not come out as you expected. What could you have changed in your preparation process? What lessons could you learn from these experiences? How can these experiences help to improve your practice?

• Think on something new to incorporate into your practice. It can be playing for friends before a concert, record yourself, plan your concert day to be as relaxed as possible, etc. Try it out and document what impressions and results did you obtain during the process. 

If you would like to listen to my performance of op. 10 no. 2, here it is: