Back on the horse - Music performance anxiety

I would like to write a series of texts about music performance anxiety (MPA) from a personal perspective, but informed by research. Besides being a music psychologist, I am a musician and MPA, and its detrimental manifestation, is not new to me. I begin this series openly sharing one time when MPA stopped me from letting go and enjoy music-making.

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It had been over a year since I last played the piano for an audience, but the recital was about to begin. My hands were cold; behind the stage I was walking back and forth, shaking my arms, forcing a natural breathing rhythm, and asking myself why did I put myself in this situation. I am not a professional musician, I was not going to be paid, and I was on holidays. I could have been playing videogames with my friends! But I was there, holding the score of Beethoven’s fourth piano sonata.



The whispers in the hall seized, the presenter introduced the recital dedicated to Beethoven and in charge of the Peruvian pianists Pablo Sabat, Daniel Mulanovich and me. The audience clapped, giving me the signals to come out. I gave a long-breath salutation to the audience trying to project security. I sat by the piano and stared at the first page. Suddenly, the book seemed bigger. Despite having practiced the sonata for months and even having played it before in front of a jury, I thought “I won’t make it”. 

 

Beethoven does not concede. The first movement, allegro molto e con brio, propels the pianist from the very beginning into a rushing river. I took some air, gave myself a second and began playing. From the very first chord, I realized that I was holding back the tempo, so an extra breath of air and courage was needed for me to fully let go. 

 

The audience received my performance warmly and with the congratulations of my fellow pianists. In the mind of a perfectionist, the errors and things which could be better are mapped with millimetric precision. Despite this, I felt I have accomplished something meaningful. I had played devotedly, and enjoyed sharing the stage with my close friends. I have not given up with the piano (nor do I think of doing so any time soon) and I keep studying Beethoven's piano sonatas. Before I die, I hope I have played them all. Respecting Beethoven’s legacy, I will neither concede.  

 

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It is important to be aware of our emotions. Through this text, I have articulated my feelings, and contemplated my emotions from the distance. I can see they are words, as many others, written in the text. I can also understand that my anxiety reflects my devotion for music and that it is profoundly important to me. By sharing this personal story with you, I want to convey the message that it is ok to be vulnerable and someone else dealing with debilitating MPA can know that they are not alone. 

 

I invite you to do the following exercise at home. Think of some performance that did not result in the way you expected because of MPA. Write it down. Take a look at the text and ask yourselves:

  • Why do you think you experienced MPA?
  • What could help you next time you play? Sleep better? Arrive early to the concert hall (or make sure your streaming system is working in advance)? Remember to breath before (and while) playing? Recognize if your body is tense?
  • I recognized that my anxiety reflects a great love for music, a wish to make it as best as possible, and communicate the composer’s intention to the best of my capabilities. These are the values which are reflected in my MPA. When you experience MPA, what are your reflected values?
To conclude, some music. Here's the allegro molto e con brio I wrote about. I hope you enjoy!



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